The Mind of Andrew

That which has been thought, but never been said..until now

Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks: Oh god no!! Trains!

So I will throw this out there, I’ve always been a pretty big diehard zelda fan.  I’ve played every game and even own “The Ocarina of Rhyme”.  But today, I’m here to talk about a whole new game that was released about a month ago.  But I’m reviewing it now so suck it.  I’m here today to see if it lives up to its hype, or falls victim, to the fact that it includes trains…..seriously, when where trains ever really cool?

The story starts out about 100 years after Windwaker and the previous ds installment Phantom Hourglass.  You start out as a roomate of the Lovable and completely fucking retarded Nico who was on the orignal tesla crew.  Now though, there is no more water, only land, and you have been trained by Alfonso to be a train engineer.  On the day of getting your engineer certificate from Princess Zelda at the castle, she reveals that she thinks something is up, so she wants you to take her to the spirit tower.  On the way, the counselor reveals that he  is a demon who is trying to bring back the king of demons.  So he pulls out Princess Zelda’s spirit and steals her body.  You now return to the spirt tower with Zelda alongside in spirt form where you meet Anjean, who is a Lokomo(get it Locomotive…hee hee, its SO CREATIVE).  She tells you the tower of spirits is in ruins and that you need to gather the something or other to put it back together with the help of the spirit train.  Oh goody, now you have a magical train, my day is complete!  So you go do stuff and win. Yes, I’m aware that this is essentially how every other Zelda game has started.  I’m a small unassuming child.  OH NO, HORRIBLE EVIL FORCES.  Questing…..Master Sword…EAT A DICK!!!! Game over.  The story is solid and entertaining, but to me, besides the new feature of actually featuring Zelda in a game and allowing her to be helpful, it’s a rehashed story with a forgetful main badguy and some really fucking cheesy parts.  I mean, the tower of spirits totally is the temple of the ocean king, where you can only go in a little bit at a time, after you’ve beaten dungeons.  100% unique.  I’m just saying, okay story and it has its funny moments, but its old news.

Here is one thing that I always have to give Zelda developers.  They know how to make good satisfying and fun graphics.  These are nice graphics for the ds, showing full emotion and full body shapes.  Everything looks unique and solid.  The shapes are of course polygony, but not to the level where you feel like your playing with a fucking rubix cube.  The dungeon design is also pretty solid, nothing breakthrough and brand new, but it is fresh and interesting enough while you’re playing it, that playing through the dungeon in one playthrough is as painful as being skullfucked.  The one part where diferrent scenery could have used more improvement though was while riding the trains, becuase while the areas are certainly different, there is just so much time spent driving your damn train around that it soon becomes boring and bland.  I mean, god dammit, its fucking grass, grass around a train is still grass!!!!!  That being said though, there are enough areas and enough different scenes that I’m kind of being knitpicky about that point.  One thing that was fun and a nice addition though were some of the bosses and fights.  The are more challenging than they’re phantom hourglass predecessors who could be beaten practically half asleep.  The biggest problem with character design though is the reused sprites.  Half the cast is reused, they didn’t even really retool them.  The music of this game is also straight pringles.  The track isn’t like Ocarina fresh, but it has some new good music, and the train horn might be my favorite sound.  I’ve been hit by so many enemies because i’m just blowing the horn and not paying attention.

Okay, last part, GAMEPLAY!!!!!  One of the biggest problems people had with Phantom Hourglass was the fact that it is completely touchscreen.  This problem of course is not even touched.  Actually, I should take that back, instead of drawing circles on the edge of the screen to roll, now you just double tap.  Which realistically is more annoying, because the targeted attack is tapping an enemy, so if they move, you just end up rolling into some god damn fucker.  You take much unneeded damage this way.  The touchscreen controls are still probably the best use of the touchscreen for a ds game so far, but it would have been nice to have a choice between touchscreen and normal buttons.  The other issue was the temple of the ocean king.  People hated having to run through the floors over and over again with that damn time limit.  Well, you’ll be glad to know that it’s still there.  No, they got rid of the time limit, and you get to go to the new levels, but to get the items, you have to run through the same levels again.  Why, when people complain so direhard about this feature do they do this.  It’s most definetely improved, and is overall still really fun, but they just felt the need to hold on to Phantom just a tiny bit.  Other than that, the gameplay is exciting and fun, everything you ever wanted from a Zelda game.   Except boobs, I won’t a hardcore R Zelda game, Link becomes a total BAMF!  But as much as I hate to say it, the train sections of the game, are pretty good.  Always on the lookout for rabbits, or enemies, or having to think quick and dodge evil demon trains (quite possibly the most homosexual enemies in recent memory).  The only part they should have improved was the transportation of goods, because half the time, you go pretty damn fast, but get hit once, and you show up to the village with 14 fucking ice…sorry, but we need 15!!!! And you have to do that shit all over again.  The next zelda game better have a fucking rocket!!!!

Overall though, this game hits all the high notes you can expect.  New items like the sand rod, flute and windmill are cool new items and the last two even take advantage of the mic on the ds.  The game is fun and the dungeons are still as great as they always were. The graphics are nice and the sound is fun and lively.  Hell, even those god damn boring ass, fucking terrible trains are okay.  Just a little tweak to the control scheme, lazy development with the sprites and somewhat boring story.  The low points really aren’t that low of a low.  I give The Legend of Zelda:Spirit Tracks 8.5 i miss the hookshots/10.

Oh Link, They'll never really change you!

February 9, 2010 Posted by | Video Games | Leave a comment

Fuck The Colts!

Okay, so I’m not really the biggest football fan ever, but here’s the reality of the situation.  I hate the teams that always win every god damn game.  The saints have never been good really.  Never even been division champs, but the Colts, have won fucking everything.  I hope Peyton CockSucking Manning gets a case of tetanus from a rusty fucking dildo being shoved through his eye socket.  It’s not even that I really hate the Colts, its all teams that always win and get so much press.  Patriots, Colts, Steelers, and a little of the Giants.  If you come from those cities, I don’t really give a shit, and you can kiss my left nut, cause my right nut is too fancy for you fags.  I am a Redskins fan and am aware, that they will never be any good ever again.  But they’re a team thats fun to watch.  So Go Saints, win some for the underdogs, Cause like this blog, no one actually thinks shit about them.

February 7, 2010 Posted by | Rants | Leave a comment

Mass Effect 2:They still won’t let you bone a Krogan

So as everyone who calls themselves a gamer knows, Mass Effect 2 came out this past week.  If you haven’t played it, I’m telling you right now.  Pick up the game.  First thing I want to point out.  This game is FUCKING LONG.  If you play all the side missions, this game can last forever.  The beginning plot is essentially that Commander Shepard gets his ship blow up by the collectors.  He is brought back to life essentially by the organization Cerberus and given whatever he wants if he’ll work for them.  So he receives his Normandy 2 and Joker the pilot.  He’s then off to take names and KICK SOME FUCKING ASS.  He kicks so much ass in this game that he should have a third leg, just to make that much kicking of ass even possible.  But now, onto the portion that people like to call gameplay.

Oh shit, i decided to use paragraphs for once to make reading slightly easier.   But seriously, the graphics of this game are amazing.  The faces look extremely well animated.  The aliens all have great appearances and almost seen like they could easily be possible, just with the way that they flow with the game.  The combat is also great and colorful, explosions and effects flying everywhere providing a good sense of action.  Another thing I have to complement this game on is its voice acting.  There are so many games where the voice acting is just ….odd.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate bad voice acting.  FFX is my personal favorite, and that games voice acting is hilariously bad.  But the voice acting in this game makes the characters seem real, adding real emotion and personality to the numerous characters.

The game itself is huge I just want to point out.  If you could convert the hatred you have towards twilight fangirls into a size, double it and you would have the size of this game.  There is one galaxy, but like 20 sections within that which are all broken down into even smaller sections.  The amount of things that Bioware put in this game is alone impressive.  Even the levels themselves are huge, allowing players on side missions to spend good amounts of time on them.  If I have one complaint about the levels though, its just that most of the time, they really do look the exact same.  You run through one place to notice, that everything looks the same in the next.  I’m not saying this always happens, but it does happen.

I also thoroughly enjoyed the combat in this game, the ability to just switch everything on the fly, slide into cover and throw blue balls of death and fire mini nukes.  This fighting is very solid.  I think one reason you can say that is the ability to choose between like 10 people and pick 2 different ones for different missions.  It’s really handy and convenient, running into a geth fortress, making sure that you have people with overload and AI hacking abilities.  Plus, most of the new characters are just downright amusing.  Mordin has the ability to turn most any line funny.

But now, the real  thing about the game that makes is so different from every other game is the dialog.  Your choices actually affect the game, just hitting the next button can lead to some shit.  You think carefully about what you would say.  Cause you know what, you might just bone them.  The dialog is once again great and enjoyable, it makes this another story worth hearing again and again.  But to my last and final point.  Sex, yes fucking little aliens.  It’s a pastime of many a space captain. ” Umm, you there, lets discuss the space quantum theory below deck, and by below deck, i mean, blow my dick.”  I’m just saying…but in this game, if your a male, you have a choice between the bitchy science doctor, the crazy bald girl? named jack, or Tali, the girl in the metal bubble essentially.  Why didn’t you put a hot porn star on your crew…curses!  But you get an achievement for sex in this game, so its essential, but WHY CAN’T YA FUCK A KROGAN.  I’m not saying I would, but for all the choices and different things in this game, you can’t be a lesbian or gay.  I’m not saying its a problem for me, but it would have been funny as hell.  Cause if I remember correctly,  you could have a gay/lesbian relationship in Bioware’s Jade Empire.

But all in all People, I love Mass Effect 2, its great in so many departments.  So today, Mass Effect 2 gets 9.5 naughty bedroom tali eyes/10.

Shepard Smash!

February 1, 2010 Posted by | Video Games | Leave a comment